TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


 

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers


 

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

 

Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

 

"It should be huge. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

 



 

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


 

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally from area. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

 



    • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate



 



    • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation



 



    • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")



 



    • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."



 

Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But yes, confident, let us have another area wherever American Adult males can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."

 

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."

 



 

Ceasefire by Cabana


 

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: give Everybody a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

 

As outlined by files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

 



    • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys



 



    • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders



 



    • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.



 

"This can be delicate electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."

 



 

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


 

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he should really cease making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

 

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"

 

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."

 



 

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


 

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head seen from Room, a aspect being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.

 

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold Trump Tower Damascus plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

 

"It truly is not simply unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

 



 

The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Functions


 

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

 



    • A silent atrium in which attendees might ponder imprecise disappointment



 



    • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Management established to "distant"



 



    • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.



 

Community Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

 



 

Marketing and advertising System: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


 

The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

 

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."

 

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:

 

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."

 

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge reveals:

 



    • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"



 



    • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"



 



    • 18% explained "where's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"



 



 

Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


 

The venture is presently attracting interest from Worldwide investors, such as:

 



    • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister



 



    • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs



 



    • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."



 

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will likely include things like:

 



    • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances



 



    • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'



 



    • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War



 



 

Remark Portion Chaos


 

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

 

"Won't be able to hold out to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

 

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

 

"Eventually, a hotel wherever my PTSD might have switch-down service."

 

An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

 

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

 



 

Diplomatic Domino Outcome


 

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories propose:

 



    • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad



 



    • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk



 



    • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.



 

Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

 



 

Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


 

Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:

 

"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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